There was a day a while ago when there was so much going on in my heart and brain that I couldn't make any sense of it. What I really felt I needed was for someone to sit me down and ask, "What's really going on in your heart, Alyssa?" But even then, I felt like that question was a commitment, because it could have taken hours to verbally process/explain/emotionally unpack what was going on in my heart. It would have to be someone who really cared enough to sit with me and listen to my seemingly pointless babbling until I got to the point, ask the right questions, and constantly point me to Jesus.
Then it hit me.
God doesn't have to sit me down and ask me, "What's really going on in your heart, Alyssa?" He could, and does, but he doesn't have to: He already knows. Even if he gave me the opportunity to word vomit all over Him (an invitation which I know He extends, but I don't accept often enough), He would already know the innermost workings of my heart: the insecurities, the layers and layers of complicated me, the depth, the hurt, the fears, the joys, the hopes, the dreams, the desires, the tangled web of connections of how it all fits and works together...all of it.
And not only that, but He would know it perfectly, more so than I do. When I am confused about why I feel or react a certain way to something, and even annoyed at myself, He is not! He even sees the beauty in it and despite my humanness, His eyes see how it all works for my good as well as others, and for His ultimate glory. He sees when and how I will finally allow His grace to bring freedom that gives life in those places I'm still holding on to. He sees my heart now and knows exactly how it needs to be held kindly and gently, but also how it needs strengthening and encouragement.
So when he sits down and asks, "What is really going on in your heart, Alyssa?", I can word vomit, ramble, babble, vent, cry, and process all I want, and He already knows. And He loves me the same. So why do I often wish that someone other than Him would ask me?
(I still need friends and mentors who love me and will listen to me, as do we all. We are a gift that we have been given each other, and I have experienced much of God's grace through those friendships. I deeply, deeply value that, but it's simply not what this particular post is about.)
In Psalm 73, the writer begins sadly, expressing distress and confusion about why those who are unrighteous and against God are in fact prospering in wealth and health. He admits that he wonders if he has kept his heart pure for no reason at all. As he was trying to understand it all, he says it was tiring and overwhelming. And then come these seven beautiful and profound words...
"...till I entered the sanctuary of God..."
Those seven words transformed the whole rest of the Psalm. In the remaining half, the psalmist goes on to say that the unrighteous will certainly not prosper forever, but instead they will be destroyed. He repents of his previous attitude of confusion and distrust of God, and expresses his recognition of how good it is to be near God, to have Him as his strength and reassurance especially when life doesn't seem fair.
I admit that sometimes, not always, but sometimes when I feel the need to talk to someone about what is going on in my heart, it is to justify something that is not honoring to God. When I choose to enter into His sanctuary, to be with Him in His presence and bring the thoughts of my heart before His throne, my perspective changes completely. Not only does He know me completely, intricate innerworkings and all, but my perspective becomes significantly less self focused and I am reminded of the glorious pleasure it is to walk with this good, personal, awesome God.
"I cry out to God Most High, to God, who fulfills his purpose for me."
Psalm 57:2
"Praise be to the Lord, to God our Saviour, who daily bears our burdens."
Psalm 68:19
"'Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth'
The Lord Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress."
Psalm 46:10-11
